Good afternoon, the first thing I want to say is that I love my wife very much, I adore her and I love her, but I can’t make desire between us.
Sexuality, after 11 years together, has become the last thing to do and also in this way, as one more task. I notice that there is no passion, that there is distance, and it worries me because we are increasingly tense and more isolated from each other.
I think we work very well as a couple, as a team, but I can’t resolve this issue of sex. I have commented on it but she doesn’t want to talk too much about it either, she avoids the subject a bit, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I would greatly appreciate any advice that gives me a path to follow. Millions of thanks.
This topic is one of the most recurring in consultation, how to keep the “flame” in a stable relationship. We have associated the beginnings of the relationship with an insatiable sexuality, where desire and desire are always in the front row.
But if we ask about the stable couple, most of society has assumed the idea that there is no room for a large amount of desire, it seems that it has to be accepted, that “it is what it is”, that stability goes hand in hand. of monotony, boredom and little sex. There is the idea that stability goes hand in hand with boredom and little sex .
Of course the beginnings are the extreme of passion in most cases, but perhaps we should keep more in mind the active role that each of the members has regarding desire and sexuality,
Step by Step
1. Reflect: How do you act as a couple?
Therefore, as a first step I encourage you to reflect on how you act as a couple. If oneself is not aware that the couple is a daily effort, the desire and the relationship will gradually fade away. Desire is like a car battery, if the car is not started, fueled and used, in the end the battery will stop working and cannot be charged, and then desire will disappear completely.
So the starting point is positive effort and dedication towards the relationship. And I’m not talking about one day or two, but day after day, without rest.
2. Strive positive
You may be wondering what positive effort means. I use this concept to expose the idea that an effort does not have to be an obligation or something heavy. Surely you have gone on a trip, you have had to set the alarm at 5 in the morning, which seems like an effort, but it has been something positive for you because you were going on vacation to have a good time.
Once we have this idea, the next step is to analyze what kind of attitudes and behaviors you have within the relationship. There are some that will add to the glass of desire and others that will empty it. Normally we only look at the positive that we contribute, but many times it can be very interesting and more positive to reduce the negative.
To add positively, the first thing is to understand how desire works. It is the antithesis of stability, security, monotony, etc. Therefore, it is about looking for novelty, surprise, illusion… Each person is a world and each relationship too, therefore, think about how to surprise your partner and from time to time get those spaces and experiences of novelty and spark.
4. Avoid bad vibes
And, to avoid subtracting, analyze what attitudes destroy both the good atmosphere of the couple and the idea and image that your partner may have of you. If there is tension, discussions, bad communication, a lot of stress, few quality spaces, etc., it will be impossible for desire, intimacy or sexuality to be generated.
5. Take care of the image
Nor will it be possible if we project a disheveled, uncared-for image, an apathetic and dull attitude… Admiration for others plays a very important role in desire.
6. But pleasure
And last but not least, the intimate encounter must be lived with well-being and pleasure. If the experience is negative, it will mean that you do not want to live it again and will reduce the desire to repeat it. At this point it is essential to talk and know the tastes of the other, find a sexuality where you both enjoy.
If after all the above you feel that it is very complex, that you want to resolve or improve the sexuality of your relationship but you do not know how to do it, do not forget that there is a figure of the sexologist, the specialist psychologist has the function of helping to improve and connect the couple.